Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
