Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
