i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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