I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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