cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
