he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
