none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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