4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize