why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
