I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
