never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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