I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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