I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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