can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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