Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
