i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
