Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
