I wish I could teleport
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
How naked do you want me to be?
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