I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
