the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
