This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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