I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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