why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You are the jesus of drinking
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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