How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
