I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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