got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
