and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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