His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize