if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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