So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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