Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
