i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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