Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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