Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
