the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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