Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
