Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
