We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
