I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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