I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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