Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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