im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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