I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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