I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
