Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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