You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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