none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
