Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
