Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
