life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
