am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
