checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
