My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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