Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
