your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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