You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
