Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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