They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize