I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize