It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
