I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
