You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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