The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
