I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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